Statutory Rape Is Bad: The Xiaoyin Satire
by Aoi Shoudou
Summary: Julia, training at the art of fighting under King, is now desperate to escape her mentor, who is loopy and also completely obsessed with her. Watch as she desperately consults with other Tekken characters! Pure, unadulterated wackiness abounds!
1. Chapter 1: Julia Beseeches Anna

Statutory Rape Is Bad  
(also titled: A Warning to Everyone's Favorite Underage Kickass Chinese Schoolgirl,   
Xiaoyu)  
  
Note: I haven't played Tekken 4 yet, so this is set in the Tekken Tag Tournament era.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Mountain Dew, the Beatles song 'Penny Lane', McDonalds or   
McDonalds cheeseburgers, 'Reefer Man', Tekken (thank God), steamed buns, Ring Pops,   
Prozac, Prozac Cookies, or Green Tea.  
  
Once upon a time, Jin Kazama angsted in the rain, crystalline teardrops striking his   
love-pining body. He desperately expressed his love for his dearest darling, Xiaoyu.   
However, Xiaoyu was too busy investing her fortunes won in the Iron Fist Tournament in   
every steamed bun factory in China, so she ignored him. He yelled and collapsed to his   
knees, crying. In response, Xiaoyu ate a steamed bun and laughed sadistically.  
  
Julia was practicing for the Iron Fist Tournament.   
"Left Spinner…Right Spinner, Triple Kick! Spin Behind…Liquid Sweep…Tequila   
Sunrise!" She assaulted the practice Moku with the ferocity of a wounded tiger,   
unrelenting, raven hair flying in her face. With a forceful Heaven Shatter Kick, Moku's   
head flew across the dojo, shattering on the Julia-beaten wall. She blinked a little, rubbed   
her eyes and swept up the broken wood, just as King would have told her to do.  
Julia had no idea why she was training under King. She already could easily beat his   
ass across the dojo, he came across as a total jerk or a total loony to her, and it was   
costing her cold hard cash out of her pocket. She had tried many times to deny his   
tutelage, but something was compelling her to stay…  
"Speak of the devil…" Julia dropped the broom with a clatter as King jubilantly   
skipped into the room, holding a platter of his patented Prozac Cookies. She despised the   
stupid things, but they were all that King would give her to eat at the dojo – aside from   
McDonald's cheeseburgers and Mountain Dew, which Julia wouldn't touch with a ten-  
foot-pole. He grinned his goofy grin that absolutely roared 'I ate too many Prozac   
Cookies today!' and said, "Hey there, Julie Foolie!" (This was his nickname for her – she   
had no idea what it meant. King's regular highs off Prozac spawned some frightening   
effects.) He then proceeded to sing his song, which Julia recognized as 'Reefer Man' but   
what King called the 'Happy Fun Prozac Time Song'. "Have you ever met that funny   
Reefer Man? Haaa~ave you ever – " King stopped mid-verse, looked to the ground, and   
dropped the platter. He screamed and retreated out of the dojo, crying. Julia gave him a   
weird look, picked up a Prozac cookie and ate it.  
  
Xiaoyu finally confronted Jin out in the pouring rain. Jin was not wearing a mack.   
Very strange. He looked her straight in the eye, handed her a Ring Pop, and said, "Ling,   
would you marry me?"  
Ling took the Ring Pop and licked it. "Sorry, Jin, but I'm only 16 and that's statutory   
rape! Teehee! ^_^" Ling then Storming Flowered him off the premises. She licked her   
Ring Pop again.  
"Mmm…Steamed bun flavor ^_^"  
  
Julia trekked to Anna's house. Anna, once King's ex-lover, could hopefully tell her   
how to escape from his training dojo.   
Anna's house was filled with dresses, makeup, and bloody bladed implements. 'Being   
the world's prettiest assassin isn't easy' was Anna's axiom. Anna smiled and welcomed   
Julia inside her modest house. "Welcome, Julia! Having King problems again?"  
"Yes! King won't leave me alone! He constantly forces his Prozac Cookies on me – "  
"So you don't have to eat the McDonald's hamburgers and Mountain Dew – "  
"Right, and he's always high off antidepressants, and it really frightens me! It's scarier   
than Hwoarang on helium!"  
"Well, since Hwoarang was my ex-lover, I can give you a little bit of advice. When   
King gives you the cookies, then give him a little of this Depressing Juice." Anna handed   
her a vial of liquid that looked and smelled suspiciously like champagne. "When you do,   
he'll be loopier than Lee after Arbor Day, and I would know because he's my ex-lover!"   
Anna smiled and waved Julia off, then dragged a mostly-naked Kazuya out of her closet   
and started glomping him.  
  
The rain had stopped. Jin looked into the azure skies and wondered if the one true   
sweetheart of his life would ever accept his unrequited love. He gazed into the heavens   
and saw his beautiful Xiaoyu's face engraved in the clouds. Her expression said "Get the   
hell away from me, pervert!" but Jin interpreted it as "Oh, my love, come to me!" Jin rose   
to his feet and begged the heavens to give him his love…and was subsequently struck   
down repeatedly by lightning bolts. The wind scattered his poor, angsty, stupid ashes all   
around.  
  
When Julia got back to the dojo, King was sitting on the floor in a tuxedo, cross-  
legged, a huge tray of Prozac Cookies strewn before him. He grinned and beckoned Julia   
to sit with him. She did so reluctantly.  
"JoooOOoooOlie!" he said, in a manner similar to that of a cow. Julia readied the   
Depressing Juice. She pointed over his shoulder and yelled, "Look! A small orphan   
child!" King, due to his almost pedophilic obsession with small orphan children, squealed   
"Where?!" and looked over his shoulder. While doing so, Julia slipped the Depressing   
Juice into his draught of green tea.   
"Oh, he's gone. I guess True Ogre must have eaten him already," said King with a tone   
of disappointment to his voice. He lifted his glass; Julia looked on anxiously. However,   
he turned to her and said "A toast to our long-lasting relationship!" Julia forced a very   
disgusted smile and picked up her glass. They tapped their crystal glasses together, but   
King, who misestimated his strength, accidentally shattered his glass against hers. The   
green tea spilled all over the tray, drenching the Prozac Cookies below.  
"Oh, poo! Well, that's okay! I still have Prozac Cookies!" King grinned and chomped   
into a slightly wet one. Julia just stared.   
  
  
  
Oh no! Julia's plot has failed! In Chapter 2, watch as she implores the help of Nina! Will   
she ever escape King's dojo? Will Jin ever receive any sweet lovin' from Xiaoyu? Find   
out in the next installment! Baaaaaiiii~ ^_^ 


	2. Chapter 2: Julia Beseeches Nina

Statutory Rape Is Bad  
  
(also titled: A Warning to Everyone's Favorite Underage Kickass Chinese Schoolgirl, Xiaoyu)  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Julia was upset. Her powder-laced wine now was soaking into the cookies that she had so kindly thrown out for King, and her plan had succeeded no more than Anna's attempts to keep a male for longer than half an hour. Who could she turn to now? Who else in the neighborhood had such necessary traits like respect, tact and a pacifistic towards other people?  
  
She found herself at Nina's doorstep. Nina had none of these traits, but she could kill people quickly and silently and Julia was desperate. She knocked on the door, whereupon several robotized guns shot her and killed her.  
  
Xiaoyu sat at the beach. She traced letters into the sand, spelling out the kanji for 'Jin'. Whilst doing this, she wondered why she knew and spoke Japanese in Tekken 4 even though she was from China, but she shrugged her shoulders, blaming it on notorious Tekken continuity. Suddenly, Jin rose out of the water, carrying the corpse of Heihachi.  
  
"Dear Xiaoyu, I have killed my grandfather entirely to be together with you, my eternal and deepest love! Please love me and let me pop your cherry!" Xiaoyu finally rolled her eyes, stood up and said irritably "Fine, Jin. Come here and embrace me before I change my mind." Jin ran towards her, everything in slow motion like all angsty Xiaoyin is, and took her into his arms. Then, a police officer approached and arrested Jin for statutory rape. Xiaoyu giggled as the cops dragged the bad man away.   
  
Julia woke up and decided to go to Nina's house in order to find out how to ditch King. She had an exciting dream about getting shot at her house very quickly, but she wasn't particularly worried. Julia slipped out of her bedroom window using her long, Rapunzelesque hair and ran to Nina's house before King could realize she'd been gone. Upon reaching Nina's doorstop - she still didn't know why she was consulting such a cruel and angry woman - but there were very few females around for her to consult and all of them were somehow busy, dead or otherwise incapacitated:  
  
Xiaoyu: Too busy fending off Jin  
  
Michelle: Old, and no one really needs romantic advice from old people  
  
Anna: Her first plan already failed and she smelled funny anyway  
  
Kunimitsu: Unable to stay in one place for longer than 10 seconds  
  
Christie: An evil whore who Julia refused to have anything to do with  
  
Jun: Missing her head, literally  
  
Julia was forced to see Nina, as a result, because despite her lack of human emotion she was still an effective killer, and if worse came to worst then she could dispose of King in a slightly less pacifistic way. Upon knocking Nina's door, she heard what seemed like a thousand shrill klaxons blaring throughout her tight little apartment. Before she knew what hit her, Nina came hurtling out of the overhang and ninja-tackled Julia.  
  
"STATE YOUR BUSINESS HERE, INTRUDER."  
  
"Nina, it's just me, Julia!"  
  
Logic so deep and profound overrode Nina's brain circuitry, whereupon she replied with a natural reaction she had learned to develop:  
  
"KILL JIN KAZAMA!"  
  
"Nina, no! I need you to help me get King off of my case!"  
  
"REMOVE MONARCH FROM CONTAINER?" Julia sighed. "Come on, Nina, let's sit down inside your apartment." The two proceeded into the technologically advanced little dwelling, and Julia sat down in what looked to be an ergonomically agreeable chair, only to discover it was a torturous handcuff seating arrangement. Instantly steel bands clamped around her wrists and shins, and she cried out.   
  
"Ack! Nina, help!"  
  
"WOULD JULIA LIKE SOME TEA, OR PERHAPS THE JUICES OF KAZAMA VITAL ORGANS?"   
  
"Just tea will be fi - hey, wait! Just let me out of this chair!"  
  
"TEA IT IS." Nina immediately set forth to brew Julia some of her potent Earl Grey, much to the young Native-American woman's dismay. Julia struggled with her confines a little bit more before finally falling slack. Even if she was trapped in the chair for the rest of her life, she did enjoy Earl Grey. Nina, having prepared the warm tea for her guest, shuffled over to the chair, where she took a cup off of the tray she was holding.  
  
"HERE IS YOUR TEA, JULIA. PLEASE DRINK YOUR TEA." Unfortunately, since Julia was unable to move her hands or arms, she could not take the tea from Nina's outstretched cyborg-hand.   
  
"Nina, I can't reach it -"   
  
"JUST SIT DOWN AND DRINK YOUR GODDAMNED TEA!" Nina was now angry.  
  
"I'm sitting down already, even though I don't really want to, and I would drink my tea if I could but I can't, and you stole that line from Cid anyway!" Confronted with such logical points, Nina's circuits began to fray a little bit. Her head cracked to the side and sparks began pouring rapidly out of her left ear. Memory banks confused, syntax scrambled, Nina opted to do the one thing she could always rely on;   
  
"KILL JIN KAZAMA!"  
  
Nina stuck up her arm and flew through the roof, debris from the hole falling on Julia's head. Unfortunately for her, she was still stuck in Nina's constricting, yet oddly comfortable, chair.   
  
"Um...could someone let me out of this chair?"  
  
Now, at this point, the Xiaoyin fans in the audience (all 4869586724069530378357.6 of them) might be wondering "What has happened to our wacky, horribly personality-mismatched couple?", but wonder no more, loyal fandom sheep! For here, we see Jin at the flower shop, preparing a pretty bouquet for his as-of-yet unrequited love. A disgruntled Jack-2 was servicing him. NO NOT IN THAT WAY PERVERTS, LOL!!1 Hey, that's a good idea for a pairing...*scurries off, writes Jack-2/Jin lemons, returns to featured fanfiction* No, I'm not demented, I swear! But I digress. Jin faced a moral dilemma to shake the ages, a question wracking his brain that burned even the souls of the strongest men; should he buy Xiaoyu pink roses or red ones? Unfortunately, due to the complex philosophical nature of this question, Jin overdwelled on it, and as a result failed to purchase his flowers before the shop closed. Aww, poor unloved Jinny.   
  
Suddenly, Nina Williams rounded the corner and shot Jin Kazama 384 times. Jin, though bleeding and dying painfully, was at least slightly comforted by the fact that he hadn't been forgotten. 


End file.
